How to Forgive and Release the Pain
janerobinson Member
By Jane Robinson

Forgiveness…can you hear the haunting organ music when forgiveness is mentioned? Forgiveness elicits a wrinkled brow and a sinking feeling in many of us. How can we possibly forgive someone who has wronged us? If we forgive, do we have to rekindle a relationship with someone from the past? Does this person deserve our charity? Furthermore, if we do forgive those who have wronged us, how can we honestly feel a release from the anger, hurt, disappointment, grief, wound to our self-value, animosity, teeth-grinding and jaw-clenching rage that we hold inside? Can we truly let go of the grudge? Is it possible to be able to forgive and forget? Even if we should forgive, why would we want to?

We want to forgive to free our lives and cut the tie that binds us and our lives to the transgressor. To forgive does not mean you have to become friends with the person who hurt you. Instead, forgiveness can be the agent that frees you to move on and lighten your energy. Many spiritual teachers point out that we form a strong bond to the people we feel injured us. This bond holds us captive until we forgive–only forgiveness cuts the binding tie.

Difficulty: Moderately Easy
Instructions

1.
Step 1

Look at circumstances in our own lives and yield to this understanding: People who are malicious, untrustworthy, emotionally disconnected, or incapable of caring actually “know not what they do.” This recognition does not excuse the person, but it helps us to release our inner struggle with the notion that this individual could have done something different. The person was not spiritually or emotionally evolved enough to handle it differently. This knowing, at the soul level, is where we release the bondage and pain of our injuries.
2.
Step 2

Write a letter to the people you feel have hurt you. In this letter, let them know what they did to hurt you, why it hurt you, and how disappointed or angry you are due to the transgression. Once you are in touch with the pain, you might ask why they did what they did to you and how they would respond now to your pain. The writing of this letter allows you to gain insight and perspective, whether the infraction was intentional or unintentional. You do not mail the letter to the person. It is a tool to assist you in releasing your pain and beginning to forgive. You may gain understanding that people, sometimes, are not evolved emotionally and may have been doing their best at the time. While their behavior is not acceptable, this bit of information may help you free the weight that is keeping you down and sinking in your pain.
3.
Step 3

Reply to yourself with a letter from that person. This is your chance for them to say to you, “I’m sorry for hurting you,” and perhaps to salve your wound. During this part of the healing, the sting will lessen. Would you like for the person to say, “I was wrong to treat you this way”? If so, write this response. Do not suppress your emotions when writing this letter. This is a great opportunity for you to allow a sigh of real relief in the forgiveness process.
4.
Step 4

Use visualization. Another effective forgiveness process is to imagine a gold frame surrounding the face of anyone with whom you would like to
forgive. See them inside the frame and visualize the frame and their
image transforming to gold dust. Blow the gold dust out into the
universe and watch it dissipate into the air and trickle out into space. This beautiful exercise helps you break down the negative energy
and transform it for healing. One additional and interesting forgiveness process is a balloon release image. Place everyone you are ready to forgive in an open field together and tie a balloon to each one. As you work with forgiving each individual, visualize the person floating up to the sky and out into eternity as your pain and grief float away with each person you release.
5.
Step 5

Release the anger from your body. One final forgiveness process is through channeling the anger, pain and frustration into Mother Earth and experiencing a transformation of energy. See the negative energy as an orange light traveling through your body, through the spine and chakras, then down and out of the bottoms of your feet into the earth. Observe the energy as it transforms into a rainbow of light energy, lifting from the earth and expanding out into the universe. Try variations of this process and the visualizations. Sometimes you may allow this rainbow of light to travel up and around the body, and reenter through the crown chakra on the top of the head and then leave the body through the heart chakra in small, heart-shaped rainbows or solid pastel hearts, sending love and light out to the world.
6.
Step 6

Continue working with these processes until thinking of the
person who hurt you no longer stings or causes tension. When you
reach a point of forgiveness, you feel detached and indifferent in
relationship to the event or person connected to the internal strife
you formerly experienced. This detachment may come and go at
first, until you finally forgive and no longer feel pain when you think
of the event or individual. Make this a pleasant–not dreaded–process.

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How to Forgive, Forget and Let Go
sandraray Contributor
By Sandra Ray
eHow Contributing Writer

Forgive, Forget and Let Go

Forgiveness is one of those concepts that most people have difficulty grasping. While we all have a mental image of what forgiveness “should” look like when others forgive us, knowing how to forgive ourselves or someone else isn’t as easy to understand.

When someone else causes us emotional harm, whether unintentional or intentional, learning to let go of this pain can be one of the most difficult transitions we go through. Social workers in the prison system work with families on the process of forgiveness to help ease the transition between incarceration and life on the outside. Similar to restorative justice programs which involve the victim of a crime and the offender, these prison programs seek to develop an understanding of the offenders act(s) and come to terms with the eventual return to society.

The families involved tend to view forgiveness as an admission that the past is completely forgotten and life can return to normal as if nothing happened. As you can imagine, this effort at denying the behavior has a negative effect.

Carrying emotional pain, anger, anxiety, and other distressing thoughts about a situation or someone often is easier for us than beginning the forgiveness process. Cognitive-behavioral therapists often stress positive thoughts since it can be easier to invest more time in negative thoughts and redirect energy toward positive change. The more we concentrate our emotional energy on carrying a grudge and not forgiving someone, the more likely we are to become anxious, depressed and negative about the general situation.

Since it is often easy to think of forgiveness in terms of forgetting, we need to examine how we forget. Human memory does not work like computer memory. There is no way to reformat the past. Instead, we look at situations through different lenses. Psychologists often refer to these lenses as perspective. Reality of our situation is how we view it at the time that the impression or memory was formed.

Forgetting a past hurt refers to relearning the circumstances surround the situation, reprocess it through a fresh perspective, and move toward forgiveness. When we look at the outcome of what happened, we can either become bitter and angry or view the end result as an opportunity for personal growth and change.

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging
Instructions
Things You’ll Need:

* Motivation for new change
* Willingness to process painful emotions and find a new conclusion
* A neutral third party–a therapist, counselor, or empathetic friend–to evaluate whether or not the process is constructive
* Time–forgiveness is a process

1.
Step 1

The first and most important step is allowing yourself permission to forgive. When we focus more on the consequences of not forgiving ourselves, we shift the focus to ourselves and how we can move beyond the past hurt and blame. The situation becomes less about the person who wronged you and more about how you are able to heal and develop a sense of peace.
2.
Step 2

Forgiving someone else first involves recognizing that forgiving is not giving that person absolution for a previous wrong. Forgiveness is often confused with absolution since the terms are used almost interchangeably in most religions. What if the person who wronged you is not living? What if the person is someone who caused you extreme embarrassement during school 20 or 30 years ago? These people are not available to you to discuss the situation, nor do they have to be. Letting go of emotional pain does not mean that nothing happened; it means that you no longer want to be controlled by it.
3.
Step 3

Recognize that forgiveness is not denial. Whatever caused the pain was a real incident. Denying that it happened and calling it forgiveness means that it is too painful to work through the emotions. There is no timeline on forgiveness. Some steps take longer to get through, and it is acceptable to work through some of it and set it aside for a period of time. Part of forgiveness is understanding that whether or not someone takes responsibility for it (and may even demonstrate remorse), does not control whether or not you intend to continue investing emotional pain and distress each time you revisit what happened.
4.
Step 4

Understand that not everyone who forgives reconciles with the person who caused the pain. There are relationships that are toxic and even physically dangerous. While it is possible to forgive the past and move beyond it, it may also mean that the person who was involved no longer can play an active role in your life. If a person or situation is not safe, it may be best not to reconcile the relationship and then work on forgiveness at a time when you are emotionally healthy and physically safe.
5.
Step 5

Make a conscious decision to forgive someone. Even if they never apologize for what happened, determine within yourself that it is fine to proceed without this apology. Apologies should not be about permission to us to forgive someone. Apologies should be offered as an effort of true remorse and acknowledgement that taking personal responsibility for the situation is important. Even without that apology, make up your mind to forgive, forget, and eventually let go.

Tips & Warnings

*
It is possible to forgive and still hold others accountable for their actions.
*
Find a support group if you need one. Places to look include churches, non-profit organizations and even employee assistance programs.
*
Not everyone who apologizes is remorseful. Even if someone apologizes, they may only be “going through the motions” in an effort to manipulate you.
*
Don’t feel pressured to forgive before you are ready. Everyone sets their own timeline when it comes to healing from an old wound.

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Home of the San Francisco Chronicle

Self-employed software engineer Martin Ford thinks technology and automation will replace so many jobs that society will face long-term, structural unemployment.

The 46-year-old Sunnyvale man makes his case in a self-published book, “The Lights in the Tunnel.” He has summarized his thinking on the blog, Angry Bear.

“I’m not talking about far-fetched, science fiction-level technology here,” Ford writes. “This is really a simple extrapolation of the expert systems and specialized algorithms that can currently land jet airplanes, trade autonomously on Wall Street, or beat nearly any human being at a game of chess.”

He thinks software expertise “will begin to match or exceed the capability of human workers in many routine job categories, and this includes a lot of workers with college degrees.”

Martin acknowledges that since the mechanization of agriculture in the late 1880s, the farming workforce has been reduced from 75 percent of U.S. workers to about 3 percent today. Yet a growing population found other jobs. But Ford thinks the future may not echo the past.

“Food prices fell as efficiency increased, and then consumers went out and spent their extra money elsewhere, driving increased employment in the manufacturing and service sectors,” Ford writes.

But this time, he says, “we are not talking about a single industry being automated: These technologies are going to penetrate across the board.”

He thinks pervasive automation will exceed the point “beyond which the overall economy is simply not labor-intensive enough to continue absorbing workers … and structural unemployment then becomes inevitable.”

- Tom Abate, tabate@sfchronicle.com

Read more: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2009/12/30/BUH61B9HRM.DTL#ixzz0bE9R2TGo

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Armenia to Borrow Another $100 Million From Russia

Prime Minister Tigran Sargsyan disclosed on Friday, December 25, that the Armenian Government is in the middle of negotiations with Russia on a new $100 million loan designed to be used exclusively for the development of the jewelry business in Armenia.

If the deal goes through, the multi-million dollar loan will assist Armenia in the opening of a diamond exchange that will be used to supply Russian diamonds to local jewelry factories.

“If the negotiations are successful and we manage to come to an agreement with Russia-based AlRosa company, then the attracted loan will be used to develop the diamond cutting sector and to establish a modern diamond-exchange in order to provide Armenian companies with Russian raw material,” the prime minister said.

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Stress Buster: Fencing

Why It Works: Fencing requires mental discipline, says Douraghy, a two-time U.S. National Champion in the over-40 division. “When I’m fencing, I have to be present in the moment,” Douraghy says. “If not, then I’ll forget there’s a person coming after me with a metal object.” That’s a handy way to leave work behind. At the office, Douraghy is mindful that as a leader, he directs a company’s energy and culture. “I have a good attitude every day, even though times are difficult,” he says. “That’s the same determination you have to have in fencing.”

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Josephson Institute report links teen cheating with adult dishonesty

The Institute’s biennial Report Card on the Ethics of American Youth has shown widespread lying and cheating among teens. The new report suggests that unethical adolescents become unethical adults.
See report » Media coverage of the report »

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Trustworthiness

Be honest • Don’t deceive, cheat or steal • Be reliable — do what you say you’ll do • Have the courage to do the right thing • Build a good reputation • Be loyal — stand by your family, friends and country

Respect

Treat others with respect; follow the Golden Rule • Be tolerant of differences • Use good manners, not bad language • Be considerate of the feelings of others • Don’t threaten, hit or hurt anyone • Deal peacefully with anger, insults and disagreements

Responsibility

Do what you are supposed to do • Persevere: keep on trying! • Always do your best • Use self-control • Be self-disciplined • Think before you act — consider the consequences • Be accountable for your choices

Fairness

Play by the rules • Take turns and share • Be open-minded; listen to others • Don’t take advantage of others • Don’t blame others carelessly

Caring

Be kind • Be compassionate and show you care • Express gratitude • Forgive others • Help people in need

Citizenship

Do your share to make your school and community better • Cooperate • Get involved in community affairs • Stay informed; vote • Be a good neighbor • Obey laws and rules • Respect authority • Protect the environment

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For women:

is your vagina or vulva too big –

or too small?

Written by Dr David Delvin, GP and family planning specialist

Worries about vaginal and vulval size are extremely common among women.

This is scarcely surprising, because a woman’s feelings about her own vagina and vulva are central to her sexuality.

If you are concerned about your own vagina or vulva, please don’t hesitate to consult a doctor and get yourself examined.

Quite a few women who write to us say that they’re not happy to consult their own GPs about this subject.

In the UK, a very useful alternative is your local family planning clinic. These clinics are staffed by (mainly) female doctors who are skilled in vaginal examination – and who carry out dozens of such examinations each week. They are also used to dealing with worries about ‘dimensions’. So they can rapidly give you an expert opinion about the size of your vagina or vulva.

Are you too big?

If you’ve never had children, it’s almost unthinkable that your vagina or vulva is too big.

Unfortunately, there’s a very common myth in some parts of Britain – a myth to the effect that a woman who has lots of sex will get a large vagina. This is just nonsense! No matter how much sex you have, it won’t affect your vaginal or vulval size.

But what does affect your dimensions is childbirth. Unfortunately, the more babies you have, the more likely your vagina is to become widened. This is due to damage to the muscles and other supporting tissues of the vaginal walls. It’s more common after difficult and prolonged labours. It can often be prevented by very determined use of the postnatal exercises that midwives and physiotherapists teach.

What happens if your vagina or vulva

really is too big?

Let’s look at the vagina (ie the interior) first.

If your vaginal ‘barrel’ is excessively big, so that you are ’slack’, this can have the following effects:

• intercourse may be less satisfactory for you.
• intercourse may be less satisfying for your partner.
• you may be more liable to experience the phenomenon of air getting into (and out of) the vagina – a phenomenon known in some parts of the country as ‘fanny farting’.
• bath water may get into your vagina – though this isn’t likely to be a health problem.
• much more seriously, lax muscles and ligaments around the vagina may lead to prolapse (descent of the womb and other organs) in middle age or later life.

What can be done about a slack vagina?

If your vagina is overly large and slack, the possible courses of action are as follows.

• Urgently set about tightening up your vagina by doing pelvic floor muscle exercises. Any midwife, nurse, physiotherapist, or doctor can teach you to do them. However, you’ll need to do them intensively for six months in order to get much improvement. To get you started, try this:
  1. tighten up the muscles at the front of the lower part of your body – as if you were trying hard to stop yourself peeing.
  2. hold this contraction for 10 seconds.
  3. relax for 10 seconds.
  4. contract again for 10 seconds.
  5. continue to contract and relax like this for a full five minutes.
  6. repeat four times daily.
• You could also buy a vaginal muscle developer. However, these are expensive – about £75 to £200 – and you do have to work at them for quite a while to get any improvement. They’re now readily available through sex shops and the new mail-order organisations which sell sexual devices to women.
• Go to a gynaecologist (in the UK you’ll usually need a GP’s referral letter first) to discuss the possibility of a ‘repair’ operation. This draws the weakened pelvic tissues together and firms everything up.
• Finally, please note that as a temporary expedient, a woman whose vagina has become too big can improve the quality of intercourse (for herself and her partner) by simply popping a small vibrator inside during intercourse. This may sound surprising, but in fact, if you have had several children and become quite loose, there may well be plenty of room for both a small vibrator and a penis inside you – thus giving a much snugger fit.

What if you feel your vulva is too large?

A lot of women are desperately worried about the appearance of their vulvas – feeling that they are ‘too large’ or that the labia are ‘too long’, or that bits of it protrude unequally. (Sometimes they are influenced in these views by having seen misleading pornographic magazines or videos – in which the ‘heroine’s’ vulva appears impossibly neat and tidy!)

If that applies to you, my advice is to go to a Family Planning Clinic – because the women doctors there are dealing with this sort of worry all the time.

Very often, they’ll be able to reassure you that you are in fact normal.

But if there really is an abnormality, it can be corrected by surgery – carried out by either a gynaecologist or a plastic surgeon. Since the beginning of this century, such operations have become increasingly common; however, a high proportion of them are performed privately, rather than on the NHS. However, some National Health gynaecologists are willing to shorten the labia of women who are distressed by an irregular appearance.

What if you think that you’re too small?

Alternatively, do you think that you are ‘built’ too small?

I have to tell you that statistically this is most unlikely. Vast numbers of patients think that they are excessively small, but only once in a blue moon are they actually right.

The symptoms that make them feel that they are unusually small include:

• pain on intercourse
• inability to have sex at all
• inability to insert a tampon.

But the vast majority of women who complain of these problems do eventually turn out to be normal-sized. Nearly always, they are suffering from a degree of vaginismus – the common condition that makes the vaginal muscles contract whenever any approach is made to the genitals.

To find out if your vagina really is too small, you should have an internal examination by an experienced doctor who is good at putting patients at their ease.

The obvious place to go for this is a Family Planning Clinic – especially as the staff are mainly female. Indeed, many of the doctors and nurses have been specifically trained in dealing with this particular problem.

In the unlikely event that your vagina really does turn out to be too small, it is possible for a skilled gynaecologist to enlarge it surgically for you.

However, I must stress that in 30 years of practising sexual medicine, I have yet to see a patient who actually needed this operation.

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